There goes my emotion, let out by my spoken words
I watch it carry into the air and helplessly stare as it as reaches you
My words drift into your ear like a sound in the wind
and so I wait, watching your every move
your face expression changes and I prepare myself for any and every possible outcome
eyes widening, as I clench my fists with deep anticipation
until I'm finally able to see your words and thoughts painted on your face
they say actions speak louder than words
but these words I speak, are the greatest actions I've ever made
I entrusted these words to carry my emotions
and they have done so well
her mouth opens and I freeze
waiting for any kind of answer
but these words I speak fall on deaf ears
for these words I entrusted
were twisted with lies as they spewed out
and my honest emotion came out as a lie from the heart
for what I truly wished to say, was never heard
and she stared at me calmly
asking if I'm okay
for what i thought was spoken were just in my mind
and what I truly did ask for, was only the time.
Imma Be
I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.
I want the last thing I ever argue about with her to be about money.
I want to give her a bank account filled with so many zeros, that all she ever needs to worry about, is four little numbers.
I want to take her across the world, and show her things she never knew existed.
I want to learn Korean, and explain my life that she tried so hard to understand.
I want to go on TV, so that everyone will know how much I love her.
I want to join the military, so she can finally brag about how proud she is to all her friends.
I want to learn about her life and her story before I was born.
I want to donate to charity in her name, so she can be in the hearts of thousands.
I want a house no bigger than our own, so that she knows I was not corrupted by money.
I want to do all this before the age of 35.
Because the faster I get there, the longer I can show her.
I want the last thing I ever argue about with her to be about money.
I want to give her a bank account filled with so many zeros, that all she ever needs to worry about, is four little numbers.
I want to take her across the world, and show her things she never knew existed.
I want to learn Korean, and explain my life that she tried so hard to understand.
I want to go on TV, so that everyone will know how much I love her.
I want to join the military, so she can finally brag about how proud she is to all her friends.
I want to learn about her life and her story before I was born.
I want to donate to charity in her name, so she can be in the hearts of thousands.
I want a house no bigger than our own, so that she knows I was not corrupted by money.
I want to do all this before the age of 35.
Because the faster I get there, the longer I can show her.
Gift giving
Life is funny how it can change so abruptly. Or at least you may think it happened so fast. But in reality we don't see all the little gears working to acquire this sudden change. We can only see things from our point of view and therefore aren't able to fully comprehend how many small changes are needed to create this catalyst. Large changes such as death, career, and romance can happen in the blink of an eye. Your eye, however can only see what you personally go through. Its when you start to pay attention to everything around you that you soon come to realize that this is all a chain event in our lives. We'll hear small changes from other people and when paying close enough attention, you'll realize it is all connected. I believe in my heart for this to be true, however I cannot shake this fear that always arises during times of importance. Doubt slowly builds, accruing into my heart until it reaches my mind. Slowly doubting my abilities and my skills. Eventually leaving me in a state of vulnerable weakness. It allows fear to take over and soon I drown in a thought of unfortunate possibilities. I know I must be strong. I must be confident and I know God is by my side to guide me. To help me know that I'm not alone. God gave me this opportunity and I will do my best to prove that I am right for this job.
God gave me this opportunity because he knows I am capable. He is giving me a chance to show the world what I can do. The chance that I always wanted. He gave it to me. And now I will show this world how great I can be, one blog at a time.
God gives us all opportunities and chances. We should be grateful and act accordingly. We should do the best that we can. To remind ourselves that he gave us this chance because we asked for it. Because we feel in our heart that we deserve it. I deserve it.
It's his gift and we must not take it for granted. We must not spoil the gift with fear and insecurity. We must not ruin what he has provided us with doubt. We shall take it proudly and work hard. Because God does not put obstacles in our paths unless we knows that we can overcome them. And we will.
Thank you.
God gave me this opportunity because he knows I am capable. He is giving me a chance to show the world what I can do. The chance that I always wanted. He gave it to me. And now I will show this world how great I can be, one blog at a time.
God gives us all opportunities and chances. We should be grateful and act accordingly. We should do the best that we can. To remind ourselves that he gave us this chance because we asked for it. Because we feel in our heart that we deserve it. I deserve it.
It's his gift and we must not take it for granted. We must not spoil the gift with fear and insecurity. We must not ruin what he has provided us with doubt. We shall take it proudly and work hard. Because God does not put obstacles in our paths unless we knows that we can overcome them. And we will.
Thank you.
The Night Before
Recently I was scheduled to interview for an accountant position. However due to some unknown power in the universe, my interview turned into one for a blogging position. A blogger for an online website to attract traffic and viewers, something I've been desiring over for quite some time. I would envision myself working a job such as this in the past and now that I have it, I'm worried. This is the night before my first day at work. I've spent most, if not all, of my time over the weekend preparing for tomorrow. I've been casually researching and mapping out in my head how to write effectively tomorrow. However this little practice I played out in my head lead to unfortunate results. I wasn't able to create any writing in my head, let alone a single starting sentence. This caused a state of panic and gradually made my job to appear more and more difficult. I hope when I come back to write about my first day I won't be disappointed with myself. I pray that I'll be able to write proudly and confidently tomorrow and that this fear I have in my head was just my own insecurity taking over. Dear God give me the strength to be strong so that I may overcome my fear and write with passion and creativity. To show this world what I am capable of. I will not falter.
Happy Valentines Day
He inhales softly as the cool wind lingers through the air. Looking at the endless sky he loses himself and forgets about the stench surrounding the air for just a moment. She slightly tugs on his sleeve, "why are we here? It smells funny and it’s scary here".
He smiles gently and calmly reassures her, "because I’m going to make this place a moment you will never forget".
"Are you going to kill me?" she half jokingly asks.
He always did love her innocent humor. It was after all, what he loved about her.
"No, of course not. It’s something more".
She looks down on the broken concrete and stares at the white stripes painted across the pavement. There's an old abandoned building to the corner barely visible enough to make out. The parking lot they stood in was covered in debris of leaves and trash from the nearby trees and dumpsters spray painted by the neighborhood teenagers.
"But I don't see anything so special about this place, how long do we have to stay here?"
"Don’t worry", he said. "I know it feels strange standing here in the cold, but we're here for a reason and it'll all make sense. I just know it will" She catches a buried emotion hiding behind his words.
He brushes her bangs out of her face, moving away from his last comment. He picks up a tattered leaf lying next to his feet. The leaf had flakes of green and orange. Looking more like bits of grass, the leaf was in shambles with barely enough strength to stay intact by the stem.
"You see this tree leaf; it used to be so beautiful. People often overlook these simple beauties, but just because it’s not in its perfect shape anymore doesn't mean it is any less special. We have to remember to see the beauty in all things." he extends his right arm out and waves it out as if he was letting her pass.
"Look at everything around you, it used to be bright and populated. Cars would park here, gardeners would take care of the trees, and people would walk in and out of that building. But like everything in this world, it gets used and worn out."
She could only smile. It was his ideas that she loved, how he would always have something to express, something to share with her, despite how often it was just plain ole common sense. She wondered what his true purpose was for him to bring her out here. All the major holidays were distant and their 3rd year anniversary passed months ago. Was it another one of his wacky ideas to be spontaneous? She questioned his shaky behavior. He was pensive and a little too serious than she was used to. She wondered if he was going through a hard time.
"Your shoes are untied" she says to him, pointing at his shoes. "I’ll tie it for you".
She bends down and grabs the laces from the ground. Lifting up one lace and then the other, she remembers the "loop, swoop, and pull" technique her father used to teach her as a child. "Hey there's something in the ground" her eyes peer at the cracked pavement between his feet.
"I think someone dropped something!" she stares deeper into the crevice and grabs it.
She pulls out a ring and raises it like a trophy. "We should return this" she always was compassionate about others. She never wanted to hurt anybody and did her best to do the right thing.
"You’re right!" he says, "Something so valuable like a ring should not be used as another person’s jewelry." "I bet this ring was meant for something more and we should honor that". He grabs the ring from her hand "here, I'll make sure to give it to the owner and see that this ring goes to where it was intended."
He slowly reaches for her hand. The warmth of her skin felt like he was touching a part of her soul. He lifts her hand and places the ring on her finger. She looks at him with eyes brighter than the moon, glimmering like a set of diamonds on display.
"I love you” he says. “And I don't need to take you across the world just to say it. Because it doesn't matter where we are, we can be anywhere in the world, and it'll be just as special. And if you do feel like the luckiest girl in the whole wide world, standing in this cold deserted run down parking lot, then I know that you were meant for me.
That we belong together.
And that this ring is meant for you.
He smiles gently and calmly reassures her, "because I’m going to make this place a moment you will never forget".
"Are you going to kill me?" she half jokingly asks.
He always did love her innocent humor. It was after all, what he loved about her.
"No, of course not. It’s something more".
She looks down on the broken concrete and stares at the white stripes painted across the pavement. There's an old abandoned building to the corner barely visible enough to make out. The parking lot they stood in was covered in debris of leaves and trash from the nearby trees and dumpsters spray painted by the neighborhood teenagers.
"But I don't see anything so special about this place, how long do we have to stay here?"
"Don’t worry", he said. "I know it feels strange standing here in the cold, but we're here for a reason and it'll all make sense. I just know it will" She catches a buried emotion hiding behind his words.
He brushes her bangs out of her face, moving away from his last comment. He picks up a tattered leaf lying next to his feet. The leaf had flakes of green and orange. Looking more like bits of grass, the leaf was in shambles with barely enough strength to stay intact by the stem.
"You see this tree leaf; it used to be so beautiful. People often overlook these simple beauties, but just because it’s not in its perfect shape anymore doesn't mean it is any less special. We have to remember to see the beauty in all things." he extends his right arm out and waves it out as if he was letting her pass.
"Look at everything around you, it used to be bright and populated. Cars would park here, gardeners would take care of the trees, and people would walk in and out of that building. But like everything in this world, it gets used and worn out."
She could only smile. It was his ideas that she loved, how he would always have something to express, something to share with her, despite how often it was just plain ole common sense. She wondered what his true purpose was for him to bring her out here. All the major holidays were distant and their 3rd year anniversary passed months ago. Was it another one of his wacky ideas to be spontaneous? She questioned his shaky behavior. He was pensive and a little too serious than she was used to. She wondered if he was going through a hard time.
"Your shoes are untied" she says to him, pointing at his shoes. "I’ll tie it for you".
She bends down and grabs the laces from the ground. Lifting up one lace and then the other, she remembers the "loop, swoop, and pull" technique her father used to teach her as a child. "Hey there's something in the ground" her eyes peer at the cracked pavement between his feet.
"I think someone dropped something!" she stares deeper into the crevice and grabs it.
She pulls out a ring and raises it like a trophy. "We should return this" she always was compassionate about others. She never wanted to hurt anybody and did her best to do the right thing.
"You’re right!" he says, "Something so valuable like a ring should not be used as another person’s jewelry." "I bet this ring was meant for something more and we should honor that". He grabs the ring from her hand "here, I'll make sure to give it to the owner and see that this ring goes to where it was intended."
He slowly reaches for her hand. The warmth of her skin felt like he was touching a part of her soul. He lifts her hand and places the ring on her finger. She looks at him with eyes brighter than the moon, glimmering like a set of diamonds on display.
"I love you” he says. “And I don't need to take you across the world just to say it. Because it doesn't matter where we are, we can be anywhere in the world, and it'll be just as special. And if you do feel like the luckiest girl in the whole wide world, standing in this cold deserted run down parking lot, then I know that you were meant for me.
That we belong together.
And that this ring is meant for you.
Innocence
I used to be such an emotional child. I would watch movies and cry everytime it touched my soul. I was so passionate about life and the people in it. I always gave the benefit of the doubt and trusted so easily. I was full of positive life and ambition. There was a sparkle in my eye and purity in my heart. I had big dreams and spectacular goals. Life was grand, until it hit.
My heart hardened. I saw the evil in people and my dreams became clouds of pollution. My heart turned to stone and my ambition became nothing but an idle word. My perspective of life changed and my outlook of this world grew cold. I realized how much corruption, hate, and evil can exist in this world and of these people. I carried a blanket of my own sin and grew comfortable in it. I committed sin and I witnessed sin. I became desensitized to cruelty and injustice.
What happened to this world? This amazing world that I was born into? My heart aches.
My heart hardened. I saw the evil in people and my dreams became clouds of pollution. My heart turned to stone and my ambition became nothing but an idle word. My perspective of life changed and my outlook of this world grew cold. I realized how much corruption, hate, and evil can exist in this world and of these people. I carried a blanket of my own sin and grew comfortable in it. I committed sin and I witnessed sin. I became desensitized to cruelty and injustice.
What happened to this world? This amazing world that I was born into? My heart aches.
Mental Agitation
Unfiltered and uncensored. The impulsive irrationality. Uncontrollable thought; logic. Pure, raw, and passionate. Heart pounding, blood rushing delusions of grandeur. Fallacious explanations followed by acts of ridiculous measures. Double edged blade; metaphoric -love, hate. Stomach churning, heart dropping, emotional sleeve wearing reality. Pain swallowing, spirit withering euphoria. Cold sweating, knee shaking vomit of expression. Verbal stuttering, tone rising, witless inarticulacy. Confidence exuding concealment of the insecure. Loveless love. Fairy tale dreaming. Truth dawning, grieving soul. Pain inducing. Strength testing. Barrier breaking, art fulfilling respective perspective. Feel it.
Shrouded
If individual life was a crystal ball, your vision would be from the inside looking out. The things you do and the actions you make are perceived to you, as being reasonable. Yet outside this crystal ball I can't read your thoughts or see the imagines that play inside your head. But the soul speaks in many different ways by the faces we make, the tears we cry, and the tones in our voice.
Display case
More often than not we're distracted from our priorities by something new. Distracted from the people that really matter by meeting new and interesting people. Distracted from our goals by the fun and entertaining side of life. Our priorities are placed on the back burner while we lavish and favor the new.When those distractions fade. When those new people turn out just to be a flavor of the week. When what used to be fun becomes dull. We return back to what we have temporarily abandoned. Is it then that we realize what our true priorities are? Or do we just sit around waiting for the next new thing to come around?
Mental obstacle
Lately I've been have a bad case of writers' block. I'm not talking about a three day hiatus either. This has been an on going problem for me during the entire month. Its frustrating how something I love so much is limited by my own capabilities. Its these words that boggle me. Using the same words feels like I'm in a never ending circle of redundancy. I want to break up with my old words and form a new relationship with another. I try so hard using different synonyms when just the usage of one would suffice. It feels that if I don't continue to try and expand my knowledge of words, I'm stuck writing about the same thing in the same format. I really need to flex my creative muscle and fully experiment with words. Why do I love words so much? Because the simple structure of a sentence can very well change the entire meaning of it. Wording is crucial in getting your message across with the desired intention.
Her
Every chance I get to spend with my mother puts my worries at ease. It magnifies my already unconditional appreciation and love for her. Her warm soul pours out of every smile and laugh, radiating around her. Her aura illuminates her beauty in her body and soul. . She is not only my mother, but my friend and role model.
Still waters
After months of distraction and procrastination I return back to my former state of desperation and anxiety. The desperation to find a job, and the anxiety that is my future. I'm 24 turning 25 this year. It would be impossible to ignore my future any longer. My life direction and success is built upon a foundation that we call youth. Like every child we follow a path. We go to school to get a degree. We get a degree to a job. And we get a job to start our own life. Watching many of my peers head in this direction while I stand idly by is depressing and all the more frustrating. Now I ask myself, "what is it that they do, that I do not?". How did so many of them get so far while I'm stuck like a graduate just out of high school? A college education would most likely be the cause of my lack of progression in life. Except not all of my friends took the standard route of college and still made it successful. So I ponder deeper to try to figure out what I'm missing from this bridge between here to there. How can I get over to that side of the grass? Perhaps its the mold that is my home keeping me still. So many years of comfort and security. How could I possibly break away from something I've been so accustomed to?
The only truth I know is today.
While tomorrow will be my step forward, whenever that day appears.
The only truth I know is today.
While tomorrow will be my step forward, whenever that day appears.
Choice
"Everything has two explanations, the scientific and the divine. Its up to us to choose which one we buy into."
Self education
We learn so many lessons throughout our lives. Often times the same lesson more than once and sometimes, nothing at all. Where do we find this enlightenment? What causes our brain to treat this act as a lesson? I find myself most commonly in these situations when I'm comforting a friend or during those nights where I just can't sleep. Something triggers in my head causing me to reflect back to myself and how it relates to me. And in that I either learn something new or I'm reminded of something I already know. I believe each day to come with a lesson or two. Sometimes we get it and other times we don't. Fortunately for us, we tend to repeat our mistakes. And hopefully, we'll get it right the next time.
Broadcast
Although my blog may come off as being personal, I write publicly to share my stories in hopes that maybe somebody could relate or find comfort in my words. Certain issues may be specific but the moral still remains general. My fears and insecurites on my journey to find myself can easily be understood by anyone going through any of these emotions. Being human, we all share the same feelings; only we perceive and express them in our own, unique way.
Piano Sonata No. 14; Moonlight Sonata
I find it simply amazing how music can capture the essence of emotions. Classical music and the early composers of the late 1700's have produced the greatest sounds of history. Something magical about how these simple tunes and keys, when put together, brings out our inner self. They create sounds of beauty that cannot be truly defined by words. Music allows us to expose parts of ourselves, with each different beat and tune provoking our emotions to show. I replay the same songs during different days of the week only to feel something new from the former. Each tune to brings out hidden truths, recurring in the form of thoughts and memories. If only we were to listen, and not hear. And as I'm writing this entry, with the sound of Beethoven resonating through my speakers, everything seems to make sense. But when the music stops, and I'm left with my own thoughts of written words, I feel exposed. Like I just revealed my naked truth to the world.
The illusionist
I walk towards my mirror and stare at my face, every feature, and every scar. I analyze what is to be me and peer into my eyes, searching for the unknown answers that I so long for . Through the mirror I find a reflection of myself hidden deep beneath my round black pupils. A sense of familiarity but yet a foreign aura emits out of this image within these eyes; within me. And as I move closer, gazing into what people call a gateway to the soul, I catch a glimpse of what could be my truth. I frantically search deeper, harder, for even the slightest possibility to catch my inner self, this man that I see. Then I pause, for I know the sad truth of reality, and I am but an illusionist.
Sincerely, depressing.
Sincerely, depressing.
Interpretation of ones, truth
They write with passion and fill their written words with honest emotions. I can only wonder how they felt at that point in time. So many different feelings plastered on their blogs like a painting, with each entry a stroke from their figurative brush; mapping out their very thoughts . Some emotions are easily given while others deeply buried. Simple truths and metaphors subconciously coded into their entries leave room for imagination of what is written and what is meant. What is true and what is hidden; what is fake when it is written.
Fear of the X
I fear the trivial things in my life, and as I sub consciously over-exaggerate and emphasize my so called terrors, they build up to a level so high, I run from the world. I've been running from my life for so long, I found my home in fear. But now I need to overcome my horrors and deal with them head on. However in order for me to do so, a driving force is necessary to motivate me to take action. How can I be strong enough without a will and a why?
I cannot afford to hide in fear anymore. I will not watch my family go through life with such tribulations. I will make something of myself and conquer these obstacles, I have to. Too long have I hid, too long have I ignored my responsibilities. I'm tired of living in fear and I refuse to do it any longer. I deserve more than this, my family deserves more than this.
Dear God,
give me the strength to be strong,
help me gain the courage to fight my inner demons,
and stand by my side as I walk through this path of uncertainty.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"
I must not fear x,
for x is the variable in my life,
and I will solve this equation.
I cannot afford to hide in fear anymore. I will not watch my family go through life with such tribulations. I will make something of myself and conquer these obstacles, I have to. Too long have I hid, too long have I ignored my responsibilities. I'm tired of living in fear and I refuse to do it any longer. I deserve more than this, my family deserves more than this.
Dear God,
give me the strength to be strong,
help me gain the courage to fight my inner demons,
and stand by my side as I walk through this path of uncertainty.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"
I must not fear x,
for x is the variable in my life,
and I will solve this equation.
A written thought of tomorrow's yesterday
I seem to have lost all direction in life. What could of once lead to a fascinating career has now dissolved into a dream of the past. I find myself in this state of pause more often then not. But time slows down for no one, and as I put my life on hold, everything else moves forward. I stand still in an ever-changing world. Where will I be when its all said and done. Redundantly writing about my glory days of what could have been, or reviewing my written thoughts of when I stood still in a moving world.
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