Choice

"Everything has two explanations, the scientific and the divine. Its up to us to choose which one we buy into."

Self education

We learn so many lessons throughout our lives. Often times the same lesson more than once and sometimes, nothing at all. Where do we find this enlightenment? What causes our brain to treat this act as a lesson? I find myself most commonly in these situations when I'm comforting a friend or during those nights where I just can't sleep. Something triggers in my head causing me to reflect back to myself and how it relates to me. And in that I either learn something new or I'm reminded of something I already know. I believe each day to come with a lesson or two. Sometimes we get it and other times we don't. Fortunately for us, we tend to repeat our mistakes. And hopefully, we'll get it right the next time.

Broadcast

Although my blog may come off as being personal, I write publicly to share my stories in hopes that maybe somebody could relate or find comfort in my words. Certain issues may be specific but the moral still remains general. My fears and insecurites on my journey to find myself can easily be understood by anyone going through any of these emotions. Being human, we all share the same feelings; only we perceive and express them in our own, unique way.

Piano Sonata No. 14; Moonlight Sonata

I find it simply amazing how music can capture the essence of emotions. Classical music and the early composers of the late 1700's have produced the greatest sounds of history. Something magical about how these simple tunes and keys, when put together, brings out our inner self. They create sounds of beauty that cannot be truly defined by words. Music allows us to expose parts of ourselves, with each different beat and tune provoking our emotions to show. I replay the same songs during different days of the week only to feel something new from the former. Each tune to brings out hidden truths, recurring in the form of thoughts and memories. If only we were to listen, and not hear. And as I'm writing this entry, with the sound of Beethoven resonating through my speakers, everything seems to make sense. But when the music stops, and I'm left with my own thoughts of written words, I feel exposed. Like I just revealed my naked truth to the world.

The illusionist

I walk towards my mirror and stare at my face, every feature, and every scar. I analyze what is to be me and peer into my eyes, searching for the unknown answers that I so long for . Through the mirror I find a reflection of myself hidden deep beneath my round black pupils. A sense of familiarity but yet a foreign aura emits out of this image within these eyes; within me. And as I move closer, gazing into what people call a gateway to the soul, I catch a glimpse of what could be my truth. I frantically search deeper, harder, for even the slightest possibility to catch my inner self, this man that I see. Then I pause, for I know the sad truth of reality, and I am but an illusionist.

Sincerely, depressing.

Interpretation of ones, truth

They write with passion and fill their written words with honest emotions. I can only wonder how they felt at that point in time. So many different feelings plastered on their blogs like a painting, with each entry a stroke from their figurative brush; mapping out their very thoughts . Some emotions are easily given while others deeply buried. Simple truths and metaphors subconciously coded into their entries leave room for imagination of what is written and what is meant. What is true and what is hidden; what is fake when it is written.

Fear of the X

I fear the trivial things in my life, and as I sub consciously over-exaggerate and emphasize my so called terrors, they build up to a level so high, I run from the world. I've been running from my life for so long, I found my home in fear. But now I need to overcome my horrors and deal with them head on. However in order for me to do so, a driving force is necessary to motivate me to take action. How can I be strong enough without a will and a why?

I cannot afford to hide in fear anymore. I will not watch my family go through life with such tribulations. I will make something of myself and conquer these obstacles, I have to. Too long have I hid, too long have I ignored my responsibilities. I'm tired of living in fear and I refuse to do it any longer. I deserve more than this, my family deserves more than this.

Dear God,
give me the strength to be strong,
help me gain the courage to fight my inner demons,
and stand by my side as I walk through this path of uncertainty.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"


I must not fear x,
for x is the variable in my life,
and I will solve this equation.

A written thought of tomorrow's yesterday

I seem to have lost all direction in life. What could of once lead to a fascinating career has now dissolved into a dream of the past. I find myself in this state of pause more often then not. But time slows down for no one, and as I put my life on hold, everything else moves forward. I stand still in an ever-changing world. Where will I be when its all said and done. Redundantly writing about my glory days of what could have been, or reviewing my written thoughts of when I stood still in a moving world.

i

I am a man of many words. I write what I feel and I feel whats in my heart. I have mixed decisions caused by conflict between my heart and my brain. I've grown insecurities from the natures of society. I cannot determine reality from fantasy in this world. I've filtered my likes and dislikes through trial and error. I've created my own assumptions and judgemental thoughts based off my own life reflection. I've forgotten real beauty. I remember pain. I'm on a lifelong endeavor to find myself. I embrace fear. I appreciate the meaning of being "different". I cannot define Love. I despise human greed. I admit to my own acts of selfish behavior. I can never understand people. I believe everyone has a sense of moral fiber. I hope to be a better person. I pray for the children of our future. I love to love. I fall under the influences of todays cool. I admire self value. I fear the unknown. I pretend to know. I know to pretend.

Wordly advice for the linguist

It was reported that the great American author Sinclair Lewis was once asked to give a lecture on writing to a group of college students: "Looking out at this gathering," he said to the assembled students, "makes me want to know how many of you really and truly wish to become writers?" Every hand in the room went up. Lewis looked at them for a moment and then folded his notes and put them away. "If that's true," he said, "then the best advice I can give you is to go home and write." He then turned and left the room.

Self sabotage

Sometimes we purposely create ourselves to fail. Fear of responsibility, consequences, or just a simple disregard towards what lies ahead. Granted that we know they're unavoidable, we still make that choice. Its so simple to blame everything else. Its so easy to justify our actions with a convincing excuse. How can we rectify such irresponsibly ways? Could it be that we all mature at our own pace, and the mistakes we make are necessary in this process? Or is that just my own, convincing excuse?

Premature decisions

I used to enjoy writing so much. It made me feel smart and articulate. Well worded and smooth. But now I can't even put a simple sentence together without giving it so much thought. My effort to be creative and different fall short of my expectations. My insistent push to spit out something creative only hinders my already limited vocabulary. Its so difficult to be in a job that expects so much of me. Being overly confident of my writing skills made me believe I could do this job, but I'm not so sure anymore. I made a human mistake and underestimated what I thought I could handle. I'm capable of being better than this. However my short lived college education may very well be my downfall. I need to go back to school to properly learn and increase my growth. I don't mind hard work, I just mind my own sloth. My twisted predicament to be yearning for a job I don't even take it seriously anymore. How many times have I avoided confrontation and responsibility? Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult just yet.

But I guess don't really have a choice now, do I?

False witnesses of you and... you

Sometimes I see certain parts of my ex in her. I meet people and they remind me of someone else. Everyone I see is beginning to look like a person I know or once knew. Except when it comes to you. But I must admit there were times I tried to find you in other people. I fool myself into believing she looks, acts, or even thinks the way you do. But I know, I'm only kidding myself. Because truth be told, there isn't anyone like you.

Living under the radar

restless thoughts in my head
for i fear the future
taking this path down my life
curious of what comes next
unforeseen situations
with predictable outcomes

i want to hide.